The Wounds

Soooooo, er.... yeah.  Those "bandaid injuries" I mentioned at the end of that post about the whole biopsy thing? 

Yeah, so um, they've become a whole thing.  When I took off the butterfly bandage I'd used to try to get the biopsy wound to seal together a little better, it ripped off an entire chunk of skin.  I've never experienced anything like it.  It was brutal.  And not just a small bit, like a "bigger than my thumbnail" sized chunk.  GAH!

Needless to say, I didn't feel like risking those waterproof bandaids I'd bought for aqua fit, so I did end up going and tried to stay in the shallows but hey, water, um, moves?  and so things got wet but I figured it'd be fine as the wounds weren't open but, well no....

I can't really explain but it's like every time I got the wounds wet, they'd bleed that night.  YOU WHAT?

So I only went to the pool that once but maybe that was once too many?  And when I showered, I'd really only let the smallest amount of water to run over them, but then patting them dry they'd like get all nasty and upset again and then I'd wake up to them having bled, maybe from the pressure of rolling over and lying on them????

I managed to get an appointment with my doctor as the healing really wasn't going all that well and she gave me a corticosteroid cream to use (sparingly) and while that seems to have sped up the healing of the smaller wounds, the biggest one (from the butterfly bandage) is just being super stubborn and looks terrible.  Good news though, it hasn't bled at night for the last two nights so I'm taking that as progress.  

I did ask my doctor, is this something specific to the skin in that area or what?  And she seemed to suggest yes but I'm feeling pretty wary about things right now in the whole bandaid/adhesive arena.  Sigh.  She figured it was some sort of allergic reaction and so has me taking antihistamines for a week too.

Never in my life have I had something like this happen and I hope I don't have to deal with it again.  

I'm in soon (again) to get the results and to find out what's next but I think things would have been a whole lot simpler if my body hadn't gotten upset by the very thing that was *supposed* to help it get better.  We're on the mend now, but I think there are going to be scars there, and the biggest owie is still not "fixed" and I'm hoping to get back into the pool at the end of this week but if I can't get through a shower without weirdness, I'll just have to keep waiting. 

UGHHHHHH!!!!

Well, over the last few weeks it has become the time of year that I curse the existence of seagulls.

They are nesting.  About to or already having babies.  Which means they are YELLING A WHOLE LOT!

I look out over the roof of our building's parking area and it is covered with moss and debris and is apparently a wonderful spot for collecting things to line/make a seagull nest.  WHICH THEY LIKE TO YELL ABOUT TOGETHER AS THEY DO IT!!!!!!  Sometimes at God-awful-o'clock in the damn morning.

Sigh.

At some point over the weekend, I was watching a show and got so annoyed with the yelling, I sat up, looked out my window and yelled SHUT UP! (which... they did, thank goodness....until the next time, or the next group... sigh)

At another point over the weekend, one of them sat and snuggled down in some of that debris while the other continued collecting and I was like DO *NOT* nest there, do NOT DO IT!!!!

Last night I heard an owl outside.  My first thought was "oh cool!"  My second thought was "I hope it doesn't go all night, I'd like to fall asleep" and my third thought was "please scare the seagulls and feel free to eat their babies so they go away." (Mean, I'm sure but also nature, you know?)

So yeah.  I know it's not forever, but man oh man the noise is really extra annoying.  Especially during human sleeping times.  

Well, Ooops!

Polysporin is the brand name of an antibiotic cream/lotion/gel that some folks (like me) have on hand to help heal wounds.

I had a small wound right under my lip and before I went to bed I dabbed a little on hoping it would help it clear up by morning.

As I was lying in bed reading, things started to feel weird at my lips.  What was going on?  

I stopped reading and tried to pay attention to it and part of my brain went "it's numb!" and I was still confused but figured I was having some sort of weird reaction to the ointment on my lips so I got up and wiped it off.

But... by then it had spread enough that I had a half numb lip and I was like what is going on?  So I took a look at the tube and it turns out that I'd bought "complete" thinking it had extra antibiotics when it actually had Lidocane in it.  Which... is precisely for numbing!

So back to the sink, soap and water this time and knowing it would wear off eventually, but yeah, that's how I learned that some antibiotic ointments have numbing ingredients and I'd likely never have noticed if I didn't use it on my face near my lips and had the reaction I did!

I don't think I *need* numbing, but I can see where it would be helpful if you had an owie that was extra owie-ing.

I'd Be Ok

Wandering downtown this long weekend, I passed a popular breakfast spot and saw a hand written sign on the door saying "grill broken, no pancakes, longer wait times" and it made me wonder how many people consider pancakes a huge part of their breakfast/brunch out?!

I don't think I've gotten pancakes out much if ever but I'm not judging.  And then I thought about how losing the grill would seriously impact how quickly they can put multiple breakfasts together (I've only seen tv shows and so I'm half guessing how they do things to be quite honest) but like the place was still busy (if not lined up) but still, for their sake I hope they got their grill fixed and are back to making those pancakes, eh?

I'm Really So Lucky

I was walking home over the weekend and after I crossed an intersection an older gentleman stopped me and asked if he could ask a silly question.  (He either said dumb or silly or something along those lines.)

I stopped and took an earbud out and said sure?  (Internally assuming he was going to ask for cash as often happens in the vaguely downtown core area where I was.)

"I'm legally blind," he said "can you tell me if I'm at street X and street Y?"

(There was a large inner sigh of relief for me as I always feel badly saying no to giving cash to those who ask.)

"Oh, sure," I said, "you're on X street, but I'll have to look and see what the other street is." (I know right?  But sometimes you just kind of know what streets to take to get where you're going and you space out on their actual names... or maybe that's just me?) 

So I took a few steps and saw that it wasn't the street he was asking for so I told him he was on X street and W rather than Y and he thanked me and explained that he had lost count and so wasn't sure.

I told him it wasn't a dumb/silly question at all and that I was happy to help and his response was that he knows he *looks* sighted so it seems like a dumb question.  I tried to assure him it's not at all and that it's all good. 

I went on my way and instantly thought about how grateful and fortunate I am to have all my vision.  To not have to count streets or ask for someone to tell me where I am because I'm not able to see that.  My health is really so good.  My body is in such great health.  Even my mental health isn't all that bad comparatively, I just would like it to be better and more aligned with how I know myself to be.  But yeah.  I really am so lucky in how well off I am in so so many ways.

Blinds + Wind

I literally just said "Ok dude, I get it, you're dramatic!" to my blinds.

My inanimate blinds.

Ahem.

(With my window open and blinds all the way down, any large gust of wind makes them SLAM against the base of the window, so I try to keep them slightly above that, but sometimes the gusts come after a while of calm and it's like woah.)

It's Still Most Probably Fine?

Soooooooooo I had that followup ultrasound and as my anxiety suspected (sigh) it wasn't quite routine.  They had found something on the mammogram they wanted to check on.

I didn't exactly know this but I had a suspicion as when I had the call with my doctor she mentioned something (that honestly I didn't quite hear) about "found on the left breast" but I think I tried to sort of ignore that as I was already pretty nervous about the whole thing.  And anxious.  Because they're separate things, I swear!

C-Dawg picked me up after work and went with me which really helped.  Like the night before I kept waking up and I'd just say to myself "I get to see C-Dawg tomorrow" and it would make me happy enough that I'd calm down a bit and go back to sleep (until the next time I woke up.)

I'm really really glad she offered (and I let her) because there was a real struggle to find parking (which a colleague had warned me about but I sort of shrugged it off as we all have different levels of tolerance) but with C-Dawg she didn't get stressed by that at all and I was able to sit in the passenger seat and relax about it, in part because we were plenty early and in part because I wasn't driving so the responsibility wasn't mine!  So we parked and chatted about life for a while and then headed in.

While the tech was doing the... what, scanning? I was able to crane my neck up to look at the screen and I could tell she was taking photos of something and because I don't know much about this sort of thing I was sort of like "well she's looking at something specific... shrug."  And then she said she needed to go consult with the radiologist, which again I wasn't sure what that meant so figure that's just how it goes.  And then the radiologist came in to the room and you guys?  It was the really handsome guy I'd seen in the hallways when C-Dawg and I were arriving.  I kind of wanted to die.  (WHY YOU HAVE TO BE A HANDSOME MAN!?!)

He did some of his own looking and then explained that he's pretty sure it's a whatever and either he could take some biopsies or I could have another mammogram again in 6 months.  Well I didn't love that particular experience so I sort of shrugged and said like ok sure, do the biopsy, FULLY thinking that that would mean like hey come back in a week or so to get that done but nope, it meant them setting up for the procedure right then and there.

I'm not sure what I was feeling as I realized the biopsy was going to happen like, NOW, but I did kind of wish someone would tell C-Dawg it was going to be a bit longer but I tried to not worry too much about that and just be like calm and still.  The radiologist explained what he was going to do and I heard him and figure some part of my brain processed it and he had me listen to the noise of the something or other that, I think, would take the biopsy so that I'd not be surprised by the noise and wouldn't jump and I was like um yep, ok.  

The area was prepped, numbing shot went in.  I think a slice was made?  I wasn't watching, to be honest.  He put some marker in the area (so future scans could see where the biopsy was done) and the tech asked if I felt that and I said "well yes, but it's not as bad as the dentist" and the doc said "yeah I get compared to a dentist a lot" (go figure.)

There were three or four "chunks" (the noise the thing made) while he used the ultrasound to guide himself and then a steri strip and bandaid were put on and the (still handsome) radiologist left and I was there with the ultrasound tech feeling a little bewildered having walked in not quite knowing what the ultrasound was going to be like (but having had an ultrasound before on different locations) and coming out with a hole in my breast and a clip in my breast and some sort of weird thing found IN my breast that is "most likely" not an issue but that they are checking out just in case.

My bra went back on, an ice pack was placed inside the bra on the location of the incision and biopsy.  I was given an after care sheet and kindly sent on my way.  (The tech was great, I let the hospital know that afterwards.)

I saw C-Dawg waiting in the waiting area and babbled "I HAD A BIOPSY?  THEY JUST DID IT?  RIGHT THERE?!" as we made our way back out to the parking lot.  And I was in a "positive" mood because, I think I was stunned.

She dropped me back off at my car (she'd gotten me directly from work) and I managed to get myself home (several of my usual roads were blocked but I was able to stop and get the mapping thing going to help me as I knew I wasn't likely at 100%.  

I got home, still in this weird EVERYTHING IS FINE mode.  I did some gentle exercise (like really, just walking around) had a careful shower (avoided getting the area wet) and plopped down on my couch.

My parents called about an hour later, they'd known the followup scan was that day and they asked if it had been straightforward and I explained not really.  They said I must be worried and I was like well kind of not really?  Like at this point I was more anxious about the parking and the process and all the rest and I had a sneaking suspicion they were having me in for a REASON so I wasn't completely surprised and like it's either going to be benign or not and that part is not within my control.  If it's not great, then there will be next steps.  I told them I had an appointment with my doctor in a couple of weeks for when the results are expected to be in and so until then... shrug?

Am I worried?  Not really.  The tech said that she wasn't seeing any of the "scary" signs.  The doc didn't seem overly concerned.  He'd said that if it was what he's sure it was, it was likely there my whole life and could either stay in or come out.  I've googled and there's a 28% chance it's harbouring some naughty cells but I sort of feel like if it is, it's not going to be terribly awful to treat.  And if it is cancerous, I'm sure I'll be uncomfortable and things will be weird and not great and sore, but it doesn't feel like a "this is going to kill me" sort of thing right now.

You can tell me that's denial if you want, but that's ok.   I think I'm *maybe*? putting on a good face?  But also, it's probably not an issue, you know?  (Or if it is... I don't know.  Hard to know if I'm coping well or completely stuffing it all down.)

I left the big bandage on for 24 hours and wish I hadn't as I either discovered or re-learned that I have an allergic reaction to some bandages/adhesives, or maybe latex.  When I pulled the big bandaid off the next day there was a worse wound and pain from like a chemical burn on the bandaid edges than where the biopsy was taken.  Sigh.

Trying to make a mental note to let whoever needs to know.  And also for myself because I could have come home and taken off *their* bandaid and put on one of my own that I (knock on wood) don't react to.

A couple of days after that, I took of the steri strips and found a MUCH smaller "cut" (?) than I'd expected but also that it wasn't really all that joined back together, so I gently cleaned it (and patted dry) and hauled it together with my own butterfly bandage from home and I missed a few days of aqua class so I bought some waterproof bandaids to throw on in case it's still not quite healed by next class.  Plus for the bandaid wounds which... WHAT THE HECK!??? (sigh)

So, yeah.  The ultrasound follow up was not quite routine. Things are probably fine and are probably going to be fine and it's probably just a weird thing my body grew but I won't know for another while.  My mind is rather blown that I went in expecting a rather boring ultrasound (I was more worried about parking and finding the place, etc.) and it was never even slightly on my radar that anything *other* than an ultrasound would happen.  Wow.

Turning fifty's been "fun" so far!  (Not that this is related to turning fifty, just that I turned fifty and finally made myself go for a mammogram that I've been half avoiding for a while... ahem.  Get those screening tests folks, you just never know.  You know?)

Made Me Cry

It's the Victoria Day long weekend parade this morning and so over the weekend I could occasionally hear bands practising.  (I'm not sure where they do these warm ups but I assume that I hear them if the winds are blowing in a particular way or not?)

So yesterday I heard a band playing the Hockey Night in Canada theme song which I thought was awesome, especially since I assumed the band was a high school band visiting from the States.

I've been tuning in here and there to the broadcast of the parade and I just got to see that very band, indeed from a school in Washington, performing the Hockey Night in Canada theme song, a song so many of us here know, but that they would have gone out of their way to find and learn.  So, yeah... tears.

I really hope we're going to be ok, you know?

(P.S. It's supposed to be raining but without jinxing it... so far so good!  *fingers crossed*)

Happy Long Weekend

I sure feel like I needed this one, phew!

Blah

Last night I was woken up sometime around 2am.  The noise that woke me was that of someone dragging their full shopping cart along the parking lot area behind my building.  I really didn't feel like waking up and dealing with it (making a call to non emergency if the person was "causing trouble" or something) so I put in earplugs to try to sleep.

But then I noticed I felt a LITTLE bit like peeing and once you've noticed that it can be hard to ignore and fall back asleep so I got up and went to the bathroom and then when I came back my room was somehow too warm to fall back asleep and my brain kept trying to listen to see if something bad was happening and so this is the long babble just to say I didn't really get a lot of sleep last night and I'm pretty bummed about that.  (And the person and their stuff was still there in the morning which is unusual, but they left by the afternoon and they're lucky no one came out to use the cars they were sleeping behind.)

Well There You Go

Well it turns out that yesterday's post was the 5000th post on this here blog and it's funny that that feels less significant than it likely actually is.  I mean to me, it feels more significant that I started this thing nearly 20 years ago.  *THAT* somehow feels a lot more than "5000".  Weird eh? (and now I'm actually confused but I'm pretty sure it's still 2025, right?  2026 is next year?)

So, there you go then.  Lotsa words hammered out on a keyboard.  Thanks for being here.  Love you lots.  Miss you if you're around a little less, but it's all good and I get it.

Hugs.

You Just Never Really Know What Was Meant For You

I have no idea why it popped into my brain but the other day I was thinking about a fellow in the same profession who a number of years ago, we went to a conference together (carpooling was arranged between locations and he and I ended up travelling together, we didn't really know each other before that) and we got along like gangbusters.

Like he made me laugh, a lot.  And he was cute.  And I think we liked each other.  There was a mutual "we're getting along great" feeling, and he had a girlfriend (I think I was single at the time?) and so when we both ended up back in my hotel room a little tipsy I made sure he headed to his hotel room right away, and nothing at all happened other than we had a great ferry trip back and I don't think we particularly spoke to each other after and I haven't seen him in years and years.

Every once in a while I think of him and just how much fun we had and how well we got along (and did I mention how much I laughed?) and the other day I had the thought "I wonder if he's married... I wonder how we might have been as a couple had he been single at the time?"

So, I went and found him on the Book of Face and I learned that yes, he is indeed married, with children, and that he has been receiving treatment for and trying to deal with his alcohol addiction.

That, honestly, stopped me in my tracks.  Because maybe he had been single and we had connected and maybe hooked up and dated and fallen in love and gotten married... and I would have been dealing with a partner with alcohol problems.  I would be supporting my husband and the father of my children as he wrestled with that.  I can imagine moments that were maybe less than pretty.  

So maybe things were a mere blip for the both of us (or, I can really only speak for myself) or maybe the universe didn't mean for us to be together because I wasn't the one meant to help him through alcohol issues and I wasn't the one who was meant to live through whatever not great things came from that.

I'm glad we got along so well on that one particular portion of our younger lives and I wish him well and I'm glad I didn't have to know the less than happy sides of his life.

God Damnit!

Sometimes I write myself notes on a post it to try to remember ideas for blog posts.

Well I picked up that post it and the last note I made I kind of rushed/scribbled and this is what I *think* it says:

 

Sleep walls/bubbles.

WHAT?  Sleep ... walls?  wells?  bubbles?  Something to do with sleep and bubbles?  Am I trying to talk about naps? WHAT DID I MEAN? Steep walls?  Bubbles?  Bubbler?  

Nope, I have no idea and I can't make it out and so for future me, either write more clearly or leave better notes eh? (Cuz now I kind of want to know what on earth I wanted to talk about.)

It's Probably Fine

I had a mammogram a few weeks ago and the technician gave me the heads up that as it was my first, they (the cancer screening folks) would most likely want to see me for a follow up and that I shouldn't worry, it just was most likely a routine check since they had no previous imaging to compare to.

But when my doctor, on a call last week casually mentioned "and you know they want to do a follow up mammogram screening?" I was immediately scared.

I got my letter in the mail a few days later and then a call for scheduling a few days after that and so this week I'm going in to the big hospital for a follow up and while part of me is saying it's probably fine and probably just something they want to see a bit clearer, another part of me is really quite scared and worried that something may be wrong and the anxiety in my brain is, I'm not kidding, trying to plan out what I might want to take to the hospital for whatever surgery I'm going to need and like ok planning is one thing but this is "anxiety planning" and not currently necessary or helpful.

The good for me news is that it sounds like this is going to be *just* an ultrasound so no pain or really discomfort at all but I'm still scared.  

I think C-Dawg must have guessed or maybe I said something or something because she's offered to come with me to the thing and I think I might take her up on that, if only because it will give me something to look forward to on that day rather than worrying about finding parking and not getting lost, it would be nicer to think "oh cool, I get to see C-Dawg for a bit" but again, that anxiety portion of my system is like "oh but that's annoying for her and I don't want her to have to do the drive and maybe I'll act weird being there and I should just say no" but I think I might push myself to tell her "yes please and thank you" even though that makes me uncomfortable.  But... yeah.  It's probably fine and it's likely just routine and they told me this would happen and they're probably just getting me in "quickly" because they can and like it's probably going to be ok and maybe it'll be nice to hang out with my BFF in a not nice place (because I'm not in love with hospitals so yeah....)

Going for a follow up.  It's probably all just routine.  

You Were Supposed To Be The Chosen One!

So if you remember last month, I had some sort of concerning issue with something stuck in my tooth and I had no idea what it was and was worried I had a chipped tooth?

Well, yesterday I was at the pool before an aqua fitness class and there was something in my tooth under a wire.  Now to clarify, since I was a teen, I've had a "wire" along the inside of my bottom teeth as I had a tooth that apparently wanted to go sideways so they glued this metal thing in and it's been there ever since.  My version of a permanent brace(s) I guess?  I'm sure it has a proper name, I just have no idea what that name is.

So I feel this thing stuck in one corner and I'm like "what is this?" because I hadn't eaten yet that morning and I had brushed and flossed last night so how did I not notice food stuck in there at bed last night?!

I figured, again, that it was likely a popcorn kernel as it was hard to the touch and pretty stubborn but it had been more than a few days since I'd had any popcorn and I do think I do a decent job of cleaning and flossing so how had I missed this for that many days.  I tried to get the thing out as I knew that now that I'd noticed it I'd not be able to ignore it for the entire class, my tongue for sure would just "play" with it all class and that didn't seem appealing, but I also wasn't sure how to get this thing out and it felt weird to be hauling my finger around my mouth in public.... but priorities I guess.

I'm happy to report that at some point I got the thing un-lodged and then I stared at it on my finger for a moment before I disposed of it.  Well, shit, was it part of a tooth?  I don't think so.  It was maybe a slice of fingernail but I haven't really bitten my nails since I was a kid and I didn't that morning so... hmmm.  But I got rid of it and went in to the pool and it took a few minutes of NOT actively thinking about it (thanks for that brain) but at some point my brain went "IT'S A BRISTLE FROM YOUR AUTOMATIC TOOTHBRUSH!" and while I wasn't able to retrieve the item to confirm this I'm pretty darn sure that this is in fact what it was and maybe even what the other thing was last month and now I'm wondering how many tooth brush bristles have gotten stuck in my teeth without me knowing and do I maybe have a bad "brush head" right now or something?

I mean it's a relief that it's not a sliver of tooth or something horrible but thinking of my toothbrush shoving bristles randomly into places it's *supposed* to be cleaning is still a rather puzzling thought! 

Don't Tell Anyone But

When I sing along to a song while doing the water fitness classes (which I do quite often!) I like to think that I'm like Taylor Swift who prepared for her massive tours by running on a treadmill by singing her songs to build her stamina, cardio and lung capacity.

So, yeah, just me and Ms Swift out here doing our like super good cardio eh?  

(No, but seriously, don't tell anyone, let's just keep this between us k?)

Swing, Batter, Batter, Batter, Batter!

So I'm still enjoying watching some baseball.  Or, as it feels, quite a lot of baseball! 

I don't have access to Blue Jays games, and I don't have the stamina for much, so I'm watching Dodgers games and that's it right now.  Partly that's all I can manage, but also I'm now attached to the team.

I don't do stats or anything but I like learning about their stories as the announcers share them during the games and I have my favourite players including my main favourite who is my favourite because he seems like SUCH A NICE GUY (no, seriously this is why I like him the best!) 

Lately I've let myself be distracted during games because the play by play announcing means I can watch *most* of the time and still be following the game.  Plus I can hear then down times and look up again for the action but that's not really helping my "retraining my attention span" idea but hey, as I've said, I've been extra struggling of late so a little slack is allowed (I tell myself.)

It's a nice, pretty mindless (if stressful at times) distraction for a few hours a few times a week.  So go team go.... and keep on being seemingly nice guys who make more money than I will likely make in my entire career.  (I had to remind myself of this fact when I was feeling very sorry for a team we were beating quite soundly... that there was no need for me to feel sorry for these guys who are making SO MUCH MONEY when I am not making so much money at all all all!)

 

Bracing

I was sitting here and the thought hit me "I am braced."

As in I am bracing for the bad thing I *know* is going to happen and I wonder if this is anxiety in action or if it is being awake and aware in the world.

Example?  My parents will die.  These days it's sooner rather than later.  And sure, they could have died when I was a child, or when I was in my twenties or thirties etc etc.  They may not die for another decade or two... (unlikely but possible) but the math and the reality is that they will not be around forever no matter how much I wish that were not the case.  And I'm fucking bracing for that moment.  That call.  That time.

Which, frankly, is not a way to live.

And then I think I'm bracing for other things that are less inevitable.  I mean I'll die too and so will everyone I know, my friends, my brothers, everyone and yes I'm starting to spin out with anxiety here, but by "less inevitable" I mean, for example, things that might happen down in the states.  Things that I'm bracing for.  That likely isn't a way to live either, but I don't quite know what else to do about it.

I'm unable to completely ignore.  I struggle with staying off of the social media sites and that might help for sure although I do my best to curate them fairly tightly.  

But yeah, it's a bit eye opening that I had that realization that I am fully braced for some really bad, hard, shitty, difficult things and that I think I'd like to actually loosen up and enjoy the now more.

I mean hell, I'm bracing for the heat of summer.  In May.  With hot water bottles on my feet half the time of late.

Maybe Bracing for Things is a factor of anxiety I have to figure out.  It's certainly not being mindfully in the moment.  Know what I mean?

My Other Imaginary Friends!

You know how when you finish bingeing a tv series or a book or book series and all of a sudden you like miss these "friends" you had and their lives and stories you'd been following?

Well I'm assuming that's the reason I'm feeling sad about the construction that's been going on next door for nearly a year shutting down.

Like it hasn't always been fun!  It's been noisy and at times horribly dusty and dirty and they've woken me up on my days off and my view has changed for the worse BUT.... it was a distraction.

I could always find something to look at or wonder about.  The progress was interesting.  I'd hear half stories from the workers when they were working nearby and wonder about the rest of the story.  And it's not even like it was the same folks the whole time.  It seems like there were different crew for different parts of the job and even some "external" crews from other companies from specific parts but still... there have been workers next door for, I think, ten months.  I hated it when it started and it was AWFUL last summer when I wanted windows open for air but would have to close them for construction reasons (noise, dust, etc.) But yeah... weird that it's over?

They were always polite and friendly when I walked by.  And I knew things were getting NEAR completion but I didn't know things were this close to being done and I'm a little surprised that I'm feeling sad about them being gone but it also goes to show you never know what you can get used to.  

And while they weren't "imaginary" like book or tv "friends" they weren't friends either and I know nothing about them or their lives other than they were working next door from like seven something til three something almost every week day for months.  *starts singing "These are the people in your neighbourhood, in your neighbourhood, in your neighbourhoooooood!"

 

The 'Gram

A mammogram is an x-ray of the breasts, primarily (as I understand it) used in the screening of breast cancer.

Here in BC, we have a mammography, uh, program? that will screen women over a certain age or risk factor for free.  I wasn't aware that that "certain age" was 40, so I haven't had a mammogram yet and to be honest, I've avoided looking in to it out of fear of finding something wrong (a small fear and one I recognize is not based in sense) and fear of the pain I've heard and assumed they involved.

But when I went to that aforementioned naturopath she asked about my "last" mammogram and when I was talking to C-Dawg about how I had to say I'd never had one C-Dawg was not impressed and insisted I call for one that day.  I knew I'd been avoiding it and so I called, very anxiously, and made the appointment for last week.

I was really really nervous and scared leading up to it, like really.  And I told the technician that if I cried it wasn't anything personal but once we got started I wasn't scared.  She told me that if it hurt too much I should tell her but the first two "squishes" were totally fine and by the third things were less fine but I somehow didn't feel like I "could" tell her it wasn't great and then by the last one things really actually hurt but I still didn't say anything, I think in my brain I was like "I want them to get good images" and "it's for the best" but I really should have said something as I was really sore when I went to bed that night and I ended up crying over it.

Turns out that last one bruised me and I really really should have let her know it was too much and I'll totally be talking to my counsellor about that situation as it hearkens back to a thing in my childhood when I was at the Children's Hospital and I should maybe probably try to resolve that whole trauma.... sigh. 

I also nearly cried in the waiting room as they had signs up that showed they clearly understand it's an upsetting and potentially scary time for people (the signs were like "bring a friend" and "take deep breaths") but honestly, if you're putting it off like I did, it's some momentary discomfort (or pain if you're not willing to be honest like I didn't manage) to help hopefully prevent what can be a devastating illness.  C-Dawg and I have a friend who had a routine check in another country and they found the very start of breast cancer that would never have been found in a self exam and now she has gone through some pretty heavy duty treatment but she's not, you know.... to be blunt... dead.

So yeah, I had my first mammogram, better late than never.  I'm assuming there may be follow up as it's my first and the tech told me they have "nothing" to compare it against so anything "unusual" they may need or want to follow up on.  I'm not, at this moment, looking forward to doing it again in a year or two but I will and I'll try really hard to let them know what's not ok when it's not ok because like I said, two of the four were totally ok (if a little uncomfortable.)

If you have breasts, get them checked, and if you have a prostate get that checked and if you have other parts that can be checked, oh, like SKIN!, get it checked, eh?  (I get my skin checked regularly, it just seems to like to grow weird things that aren't an issue... knock on wood.)