It's Nice (So Far?)

I'm reading "To Kill A Mockingbird" right now and I'm quite enjoying it.

It was left in the giveaway spot in my apartment building and I picked it up because I've either never read it (which would be a bit surprising as I feel like I read most of the "classics" in my teens and twenties or so, but to be fair you can't read them all, right?) or had read it long enough ago that I'd forgotten it.

I'm mid way through it now and I don't think I've actually read it before which is a treat although I for sure know the names of the main characters and such.

I think I expected it to be a harder read, but it's not (to me) and I'm happy to check another classic off of my list, and to get a book for free... thanks neighbour! 

Wow. What A Shift.

I have been going to acupuncture for a long while.  Originally I was going, if I recall, for help with sleep after a boyfriend (I forget what name I called him here) suggested I try it.  And since my mental health shifted in the mid 2010s I've been going for that reason too and finding it helps a lot with calming.

As I think I mentioned, I've been struggling quite a lot recently, and the last week or so was particularly bad.  I think it was Monday that I woke up and saw some things (online) that upset me terribly.  I was not doing well.  I had my morning and did my exercise and that only helped so much.  I was really struggling quite badly.

I had acupuncture that afternoon and I explained to her that what was bothering me the most of late was my mood.  That I'd be ok or good for a while but then the sort of bread of that sandwich was me feeling really really really really terrible.

Now some people might suggest that acupuncture is bunk.  Well, I disagree.  And on Monday, how I felt and how I saw things and how I felt about those really upsetting things was night and day difference.  I got out of my appointment and literally texted someone and said "I'm over it." (The thing that I was SUPER not ok about.) I had been completely spun out and after that hour and a half I wasn't spun out at all.  I felt normal.  Like myself.  It was amazing.  

I almost always feel calmer and more relaxed after acupuncture but this was a stunningly noticeable difference.  I sent my practitioner a thank you email after.  In some ways, inside, it felt like it had saved my life.  An exaggeration perhaps, but it sure felt that different from before to after.

I'm extremely grateful for the change and relief and for modalities that work for me like this one does and did. 

A Summer Balancing Act

It's hard to not just eat up ALL the delicious local (BC) fruit but I have to sometimes remind myself not to go too wild lest my next day's digestive situation is a bit too.... unwieldy.

But man oh man do I ever want to just NOM NOM NOM it all!  (I just have first hand knowledge that I remind myself about when I want to eat it alllllllll.)

Oh Man....

Not the smartest things that I said at the pool this week:

"Yeah put them in the dark black one" (to the person I'd loaned some goggles to.... note:  ALL of the bins are dark black... what I meant was the solid black, not the black ones with holes.... but yeah... sigh)

"The kiddie pool is for big guys too!" (to the 20 something guy who said to his friend "I guess we have to go in the kiddie pool".... me saying it wasn't bad per se but I realized he was a, um... a little bit chunky? and I didn't mean "big" guy as in weight, I meant "big guy" as in grown up OMG.  I tried to fumble correct myself and said yeah adults too! but yeah... I DIDN'T MEAN IT DUDE!)

Also, I didn't say this out loud, just in my head but I've been wondering at how they get the water tinted ever so slightly blue and I realized that it's the pool tiles are tinted ever so slightly blue.  Ahem.   

Maybe chlorine dulls my brain, yeah that's probably it, right?  

Sunday Night

It's around nine twenty pm as I write this and there is still light in the sky and it was cool enough this week that I didn't need my air conditioner and I could sleep with more than just a sheet on and so this was quite a good week.

Except in the ways it wasn't.  

An awful lot of dark thoughts.  Sandwiched around good happy thoughts and moments.  But really hard to deal with when they arrived.

Trying to find a balance of keeping going but allowing rest.  Groceries?  Can wait til tomorrow.... four days later still not purchased.  But I have enough food.  It's not a drastic need, just... I'm out of fruit.  In the middle of summer.  That's not a thing that should happen.  

But the energy I'm marshalling didn't get me there.  Maybe tomorrow.  Today by the time this posts.  Maybe today I'll get more fruit.  Local fruit.  In season and so much better than out.

I had a "stress" dream again yesterday.  I call them that because they don't have the fear of a nightmare but they are not restful.  This was that "we're moving to another country and need to pack" one again.  I don't quite know what it means so I don't know how to fix the dream.  It was so rough yesterday morning that I didn't want to wake up in the mood I knew it would give me.  But I did. Pushed myself awake so I'd not be sleeping in too late. 

It might be warmer again this week.  Which is a bummer.  But I did try to enjoy and be grateful for the cooler week we had.  Getting into bed at night and pulling up the duvet was lovely.  Feeling a cool breeze coming in the window was delightful.  Thinking to myself "oh my I might actually be cold?" was the best.  I was so happy in the cool.  This week will be what it will be.

I have acupuncture today.  I'll try to remember to be honest about my ups and downs and not just pretend I'm always in the decent mood I'll likely be in when I arrive.   

It's been rough.  Sometimes ok.  But often rough.  I'm trying.  

That's Shared Spaces For You!

I have a neighbour I'm friendly with (we've both been here longer than most) and she texted the other day to let me know she had found a tooth in the machine while doing her laundry!

I was really grossed out, but also kind of sad for whatever adult put a kid's tooth in a pocket and forgot about it so I wrote a note and we put the tooth on it and a few days later both were gone so hopefully the right person (or tooth fairy) got it back!

I mean, I know it's illogical to be grossed out by a tooth, especially one that's been "washed" as they're inert objects no longer attached to a body and so... harmless, and... um, clean?  But still... Gah!

The Biases We Hold

My last two doctors have been women.  (But the ones before that were men.) So I've had female doctors for a couple of decades now.

So when I say "my doctor" my brain knows I mean a woman.

So it struck me as odd when two different people assumed my doctor is a he,when I mentioned "my doctor something something."

And even more?  Both of them were women, in the health care fields.  So that old school thing of expecting a doctor to be a man (lots of reasons behind that being the norm for a long long time) is still ingrained in a lot of minds.  I know they didn't mean much by it, it's just a habit born out of what's most frequent but still... I noticed.

A Confusion

I was at my acupuncturist last week and as always she was asking questions to figure out how best to help me and my system.  (The main complaint I went in with was not being able to fall asleep... I've been sleeping terribly for about a month.)

At one point she asked me "do you sweat?" and I fully assumed she meant like hot flashes full of sweat that I understand some women get, so I said no.

"You don't sweat?"  she replied, seeming a little concerned. 

I realized I didn't really know what she was asking.  So I told her, like yes, I sweat.  But... just, like, normally?  Not.. excessively or without heat or exertion, I don't know?

Like YES I sweat but I don't OMG SWEAT?

Anyway, I'm not sure she got the answer she was looking for as I didn't really understand the question which is why I said no I don't sweat..... when probably what I meant was yes, I sweat but not more than normal.  Oops. 

Oh To Be A Bald Eagle

I heard some seagulls sounding agitated yesterday so I peered out my window only to see a bald eagle being harassed by some gulls.

I've seen this before (usually closer to a park or the ocean though) and I'm always amused at how unbothered the bald eagle seems to be.  Like they're just soaring along, barely moving their wings (sometimes not at all if they catch the air right) and the gulls are like HEY!  *ATTACK*  *DIVE BOMB* HEY! GET OUT OF HERE!  And the eagle's like... meh.... shrug.

I mean it must be kind of annoying and therefore makes them head elsewhere but it always makes me giggle a little to see.   

OOOH Boy

So I got really bitten up.  By something.

Really really hoping it was a flea, because flea bites and bed bug bites apparently look pretty similar in pattern and look?

I remember this happening before and I freaked out about maybe bed bugs so I vacuumed my mattress looking for any and washed everything.

This time?  I freaked out again, of course, but forgot to vacuum my mattress and flipped it instead.... as I washed all my bedding.  Sigh.

So flea bites are a better thing than bed bug bites and I hope whatever bit me wasn't in my house anyway (I was at Jason's a couple of days ago and we were outside for a while and then inside so..... hoping it was something there rather than something at my place?!)

Wherever it happened and whatever did it they itch like eff you see kay.  I've always had terribly itchy reactions to bites, and when I was a kid my Mom said I was "allergic" to flea bites (not sure how you know that) and so bites for me are a pretty awful thing.

The bites got really bad on Saturday and so I took some Benadryl (as well as the topical hydrocortisone) but holy cow did that ever make me like slow... not... smart.

Like I don't think I got sleepy, but I sure wasn't all there.  For example, I put my laundry in as soon as "laundry hours" started and I always set an alarm for when to go back down to put it in the dryer and when I went back down to switch it into the dryer there was someone already with their laundry in the washers, UGH!  And then it took me a minute to realize that, well, it was me.  Sigh.

Then my neighbour walked by and I wanted to ask her opinion so I said, hey, do you know bug... bed... do you know about.... bug.... do you .... hold on.  DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BUG BITES?

Sigh.  Like really really slow in the brain.

So Saturday was pretty damn itchy and miserable with added antihistamines on top of it.

I know I said this last time, there's probably even a post about it, but if I have bed bugs in my place I think I'll die (emotionally.)

Complaint

The next week is currently predicted to be warm/hot.  (Warm enough that I'll need to run the A/C and deal with fans and windows and a hot bedroom at night... sigh.)

I've not been sleeping well and a rise in heat doesn't bode well for sleeping going forward so I'm complaining about it just because, even knowing that complaining does nothing, yay!

 

Today I Learned

That some (I can only speak for the one I saw!) garbage trucks have TWO steering wheels so you can drive from either side!  Cool!

Oh And?

I also got my (second and last) shingles shot last week so that maybe was part of why I didn't think to sit down and write, I was monitoring how I felt (I did ok, phew!) and that probably took up more brainpower than I had to spare!

But yeah, if you're of whatever age that your area allows you to get the singles vaccine everyone I've talked to who has had shingles, even a mild case is like yeah get the shot.  It doesn't mean I'll never get it (knock on wood I don't) but that I'm less likely to get very sick if I do get it. 

I was really pretty scared.  Lots of people had sort of warned me that they had a really bad or really strong reaction to the shot, usually the second, so I made sure I had nothing booked and I got in enough food to make sure I didn't have to think about cooking or shopping just in case and so I was really pleasantly surprised when I didn't "get hit by a tuck" the day after or anything.

I did have the biggest reaction to a shot on the arm though.  Quite a large red spot that was warm and a bit swollen, so that shows my body was reacting to the shot which is good.  I also had a night of I'm too hot, no I'm cold, no I'm hot, but I knew what it was from so just kind of dealt with it.  So, yeah, I'm really happy to have my shingles protection done and that my reaction to both shots wasn't much more than my reaction to most shots, phew! 

Blergh

I've had a run of not sleeping which I assume is how I ended up on Monday morning without having taken the time to write posts, so um, hi.  Hope it's kind of cool weather where you are and not too icky hot!

I Know You Know

So I yelled at someone who didn't hear me the other night.

I was half asleep, trying to be fully asleep, a thing you know I value and need, quite desperately, when one of the people who live generally in my neighbourhood decided to REV their motorcycle REALLY loudly on the way down the street.   I know what the motorcycles around here sound like.  I know generally how loud they are, and this was excessively loud and on purpose.

So, I yelled.  

"SHUT UP!!!!"  

At them.  Knowing, in my head, that they didn't hear me.

But it made me feel a little tiny bit better.  

But still pretty damn annoyed.  

And yes, it was fully night time.  Not that late light dusk still light out time.  I'm talking like after 11pm kind of time.  You know, NIGHT NIGHT QUIET TIME!

 

WHY Though????

I think I'm used to seeing more spiders around in fall, and I always chalked it up to "well, the temperatures are changing to be cooler and so they want to come inside" or something but I have NO idea why I'm seeing so many spiders around my place in the last few weeks.  Is it now too hot and so they're coming inside?  Are they always inside and just seeking different places?  WHY?  WHY ARE YOU ALL HERE!?

I had the smaller large ones in my bathroom that I mentioned and then there was a bigger one in my bathroom that I was just letting be.  

But THEN, one day I went to grab my gym bag out of the closet for some exercise I already didn't want to do and there was a GIANT BIG ONE IN THERE!  GAH!

It was too high up on the ceiling for me to capture so I got a thing to knock it down and of course that backfired and it fell directly onto the floor but it's dark in closets so I couldn't see where it fell and it looked like it might have fallen into my gym bag AHHHH!  So I had to dump out the entire contents and shake everything that was in there and even then I wasn't sure I got it, but I dressed, and went to the gym and hoped I could forget about it once I got home.  Oh, and I also left the door open so it could get the hint and leave.

When I got home, it was gone and I figured it had skedaddled elsewhere, but that night when I went to close the closet door IT WAS BACK!  NOOOOOoooooOOOOoO!

I don't quite remember how I got it this time, I think I went on tippy toes and tapped it into a glass that then got dumped in the hallway.

And I feel like this is the third or fourth long legged spider I've done that with in the last couple of weeks!

Plus the one that made me nearly chuck my laptop across the room. 

And then not that long ago I was going pee and there was a little scuttly guy on the floor!

So, again, glass, dump in hallway, put now contaminated glass in dishwasher.  Sigh.

Why so many spiders right now?  Why?  (Internet suggests there are likely reasons but I just want to not see them so much!)

 

Why Do I Do This To Myself?

The temperatures were set to be up a little bit starting this weekend, and I kind of shrugged it off because the numbers were still in the low twenties rather than up higher like they were in the "hot" spell we had a few weeks back.  

Jason texted me Sunday morning and told me to get my air conditioner going.  Nah, I said petulantly... it's not going to be THAT hot!

And for a bit, it wasn't.  

I went and got groceries and thought to myself, hmmm, it's actually quite warm out, maybe I should think about that A/C?  But no.  I still didn't think it would get that hot and maybe that meant I had a point to prove about it?

Sigh.

So fast forward through the day to the afternoon when I yanked down all the blinds and coverings and told myself it still wasn't going to be THAT hot.

But... by the usual "it's too hot" time, I was, here's the spoiler... kind of too hot. 

Sigh.

Did I put the air conditioner on?  NOPE!  Why?  

I dunno.  Stubborn?  To punish myself into having such a miserable time I'd not make that mistake again?  To test the system?  Like maybe 23 is a threshold I'm fine with?  Because I overthink and don't want to deal with the noise and the "ruining the environment with air conditioning" and the cost and just want to pretend like *this* summer is going to be manageable and I'll be fine?

I mean I was fine.  I just wasn't good.  Because 23 outside means 25 or 26 in my place.  And it doesn't really cool down at night unless there's a breeze.  Which... I mean, yeah.  There wasn't.  Sigh.  And at about 7pm that evening, I "caved" (to myself?) and threw the air conditioner on anyway to cool myself down in hopes that might just make sleep more likely that night.  I dunno man.

So I fully did it to myself... made myself hotter than I had to be.  Let my place get hotter than it had to be.  Made for a more miserable afternoon than it needed to be.

But, I also, I guess, reminded myself why it's better to have the air conditioner running, making noise, using electricity, and whatever else, than to feel kind of nasty and too warm.

This is probably the second time I've done this this calendar year and while I can say I hope it's the last, I also know I can't promise that because I do have this wicked stubborn streak and, well, I gotta slap myself in the face a few times... metaphorically speaking.... to learn, I guess. 

Oh Canada

It's Canada day today.  Happy Canada Day.  

We are a flawed country with a challenging past, and we are also a country that has a lot of beauty, both physical and human....

Over the weekend I went for a walk and ended up in our local capital P park.   We have a lot of parks of varying size and complexity but this is kind of like the main one in this area.  I walked through it a lot during quarantine but haven't really been back to it since, so when I headed out on Saturday, I let myself wander that way and what I saw really made me feel so happy to be living in this country.

There were two teams playing cricket on the cricket field.  Teams made up of folks who are most likely immigrants or the children of immigrants.  (And from what I could read of the score board one team seemed a lot um.... better than the other... d'oh!)  There were some young folks nearby, mainly white, playing some sort of SCA game (Society of Creative Anachronism).  There was a group of latinos carrying a soccer ball to find a pitch.  There were families celebrating birthdays or playing lawn bowling together.  A choir singing motown and other covers with hundreds of people listening, singing along and dancing.  There were probably tourists visiting from who knows where.  I saw folks of all races and colours and ages and genders and it was so very much how I see Canada.... that collection of people who have come here and are welcome to be who they are and how they are and to celebrate our collective differences together.  

I was thinking about it on the way home, how I would bet that if you travelled across the country there would be variations of this in other places.  With cultural differences and social differences aligned with that part of the country.  How we on this coast are different from those on the other coast.  From the big cities.  From the oldest cities.  From the center provinces.  From the northern spaces.  But that we all, at least in my mind, feel like we're one.  

I know we're not perfect.  I know we have so many here that we don't treat well.  I know things could be improved.

But I'm also very glad I'm here, and very glad that, at least in my town, people seem to feel free to be who and how they are.  That made me happy.  

Happy Canada Day.  Eh? 

Difficulty

I'm finding it really hard to manage the outside world right now.  By that, I mean the news that's coming from other places.  The things I find unconscionable.  And because of that, as I mentioned the other day, I'm doing an awful lot of distracting, which for me right now means watching shows (usually while also playing on my phone).

Which also means, I am not making the time to write.  Or, to be fair, to do much of anything else.  My place isn't as clean or tidy as I'd like.  I have the recipe out for making cookies, but they've not been made.  The big basics are getting done (laundry, dishes, food) but not the rest.  Which doesn't help as that sort of hovers at the back of my mind stressing me out on top of it.

I was thinking the other day about bias and that I absolutely have bias (as all humans do.)  And that my bias, if I look at it, is to prefer people who think like I do.

People who think we should be allowed to love who we love and express our sexuality freely (with the exception of what I think are the obvious - non consensual things, and children.)  People who think we should look out for each other as humans.  People who think religion is not a reason to murder.  People who think conservatism means taking away rights and freedoms.  I am biased towards those who think similarly to me, I am.

But I'm also having a hard time with the extremism that I've seen out of people who share similar beliefs as me.  And I don't feel comfortable saying that online or in social media spaces.  

It's all a lot out there, and I'm trying to function and that means to ignore it but it also means I have to work extra hard to make the brain space for things like this.  

So yeah.  It's not ok out there big picture.  So I hope you are working to make things ok for you and yours... small picture.  You know? 

Harumph

I'm eyeballing the weather forecast for next week (starting Sunday) and I'm not impressed.

Yes, I know it's the end of June.  Yes I know it's summer officially now.  And yes, I know this is how it's going to be off and on for the next chunk of time but I was SO enjoying the cooler weather the last week or so, especially after that warm few days we had earlier in the month.  And so now I'm pouting that that's going away.  

Sigh. 

 

Update on Sunday:  looks like things have settled a bit and it's now going to be just a little warm rather than UGH warm, phew!